My Vampire Heart

Every move I make, I fall further into the fire
There's nothing left to salvage except a new attitude
Today I found my cancer is terminal
and in a shocking outcome, my heart still beats
though the devil in my dreams forbids me to speak
I chose my destiny and it may be questionable
but my mind has been set
Do not fear the ashes but fear the ghost who will wake you from sleep
Cover your mouth and don't you dare scream
There is nothing that defines true fear than a broken past
I am the bringer of wrong and misery
cleverness was never an excuse
Those who sin must be punished
and so that of which I deserve is only natural
Devil, torch me in a masquerade
Let the demons steal my soul
It's time for the better side of me to let go

I used to believe that I could be
something more than the eye could see
But I know deep in my soul
that this was something I had no control
In my heart, I prayed for God, and prayed for miracles, love, and a lightning rod
And throughout the experience, I knew all along
that love would fail me and I would be wrong
for what good can stay when it feels as though love moved away
I could not sleep for fear I'd wake
to the sounds of an earthquake
Hell would swallow me in the epitome
of a heartless fatal tragedy
I know that he would not remember me
endless memories of controversy
That day, I lost a war against myself
and threw all possibilty onto an invisible shelf
Nothing gold can stay in the neverending faith in yesterday
And it was that knowledge that led me astray
leaving me cold with nothing to say
Now I walk narrow streets in a field to nowhere
cheek to cheek with boughs of despair
I left behind the world I knew, before I was left alone in a world without you

I remember sakura trees
How we whispered softly against the night breeze
Love songs falling deep into the leaves
We sung our hopes into the trees

Walked throuhj Tokyo a thousand times or so
Nearly froze to death in the winter snow
your eye shone like sunrise in a cotton candy sky
and laughing at the thought of heaven, because on that day, heaven became a lie

I remember neon lights
flickering through the summer nights
Love songs filling the air with memories
still we sang our hopes into the sakura trees

The night has returned for my soul
She remembers the memories so vividly
though I can only recall the pain
She's singing my favorite song in my favorite key
A mark spreading it's destiny
Beauty crept so slowly on me
And I've grown partial to such apathy
You used to be my exit
falling short of my prophet
Now you're a last resort for head cases like me
For i've found something more satisfying
for my tastebuds
A thing I can't describe without dying inside
A love that's made my future seem bright
Someone who shares a love of the night
as I have for so long
I want to hold on to this...and never let go

To need one like they're the breath in your lungs, it could be a burden
It may be wrong, it may be unjust
but it is this I am certain
This is not the final curtain
simply a prelude to a great play
where I can live for every day
and know that all is not lost even when it feels like the end
Perhaps live a life where I don't have to pretend
Because faking happiness is like spitting in the rain
when the rain has only come to take away the pain
So to be more clear, love is what kept me here on Earth
and it'll be my only way out from here on...whenever things get rough
I'll have to know when enough is enough

I couldn't speak in the wake of a tragedy
for my heart was lost at sea
I had believed that you had saved me
but in time, I learned the truth

A speck in the sands of time, all that I was is now a speck in the sands of times
to think up lyrics trapped in rhyme
I was a speck in the sands of time

I woke up from the dream and realized nothing was as real as it seems
the world wasn't the diamond's pure gleam
and I watched it burn before my eyes

I'm not choking, it's just the cotton caught in my throat
you make the world seem overblown
prophesized into an epidemic syndrome
So won't you damn me to hell with your heartless lies and my automatic eyes?
There's room for two, I wish you could come
drain me of lonely nights staring at the phone
I'm a disaster and you're still the one i'm after
Bury me on the inside, don't pretend you still hate me
my thoughts don't make sense, you're full of ignorance
Quickly, rip out what's left of my heart so I don't drown when you're around
We're so miserably stunning, our egos might as well implode
She's heavy on the landscape, yet light as air in my mind
I'll keep you in a box inside my head so I never have to live without you.

Hey everyone! It's been so long, I can't remember the last time I let myself write a lengthy blog entry. Truth be told, I don't know if I remember how to do so properly but I think this news is worth giving another try.

Firstly, I'd like to apologize to all my friends on here who actually took the time to out of their days to leave me comments that made me feel relevently important. I feel like this temporary hiatus i've been on has torn me away from the people who helped me out when I needed them. But do not fret, my friends, I do intend on making a comeback to the buzznet world very soon. In fact, I recently decided to create a new account made up of the photography i've taken over the past year and a half. There's so much here I haven't had time (what with school finals, work, and boyfriend time) to post, and I hate that things have gotten so far gone. I've appeared to be M.I.A for awhile and I really want you guys to see what i've been up to since my break from intense blogging. I promise you guys, this will be huge. I've written so much in the past few weeks, and although i've contradicted myself on whether to post them or not, I've finally made the decision to share my life with you all.


I haven't forgotten True F**king Love.
Don't lose faith in me. I love you all.

Heaven's calling me and I'm looking for a return home
Said it's too far but I can't stay lost in Rome
I'm looking for an exit, a way to feel alive like I once did
You said such commitment should be a sin
We looked in each other's eyes like a homocide
payment for the love we hide
We breathed no regrets because regrets make bitter endings
only the cost a romance still pending
Oceans are nothing without their waves
so we can grow stronger, and we can be brave
I hate the way we move each day, like each day is a rain that will in time go away
I say, do not fear the lives we lead
I pray we can succeed
You are all that I'll ever need
in metric kilometers and lightning speed
Speak three words and I promise not to tell
If you are my Heaven, I'll spend an eternity in Hell

So yesterday, I just found out that I'm going to be included in the Fall Out Boy meet and greet, so really i've only got one day to post all the stuff I haven't already. So...huzzah! This is one of the first long bits included in the Patrick notebook.

---

Night.
My favorite time of "day".
By myself, allowed to roam through this empty house. Free to let my creative juices flow onto paper.
The truth is I love living, breathing, and exploring this world beneath the blanket of twilight.
Every night, I find that same rush of adrenaline and suddenly, I want to go.
It doesn't matter where.
I just want to be somewhere in the city.
Anywhere but home.
My body craves nicotine and soft lips to my skin. Both so far but the scent invigorates my senses.
I wanna be bad.
And for a brief moment, maybe feel alive. Alive.
A feeling I cannot describe
The motivation to get up and leave so close beneath my fingertips
So much power to change the flow of reality
get lost for a while
And by the time day rolls back around, the sensation goes away, I fall asleep and when I wake up, wait for the robotic form to take over.
I become a zombie, caught up in reality's grasp as I try to make it through another day. Anxious for another taste of escape.
Fingers gripping the pen, mind fuzzy with pure ambition. A strand of hope...that day there'll be someone who shares this love.
An addiction of dark bliss lit meakly by crumbling stars.
A passion made entirely by sin, the mask of indifference.
A story unfinished to this day as I grip this pen, still lying alone on my bed, writing novels in the comfort of my home...
in the heart of darkness.
3 AM - The worst time of crime. Alone.

---

Twilight's calling my name.
I've gotta go.
I'll be waiting for you @ Midnight

This is a little collab that me and Shaquell managed to cook up after a long Sunday. Enjoy.

 

You are my oxygen, keeping me sustained

like a heart beating faster, shouting out your name

You're not a criminal but you just stole my breath away against the carbon copy contract

Witnesses say it was a heart attack

Despite the medication, my hands are still shaking

You've pushed me to the edge, I can't stop myself from breaking

You said I was the cyanide in the air, cutting at your insides and making you ill

And with no words left to say, I watched you pop another pill

For a moment, I wished there were words to say to stop your self-desecration

But there was no cure to the growing perspiration

Your heart was a flawed creature crying for help

but the damage was done

My heart is drowning in my tears

and it seems only these sweet candies calm my fears

Like sweet fire pumping through my veins, I was in for the ride of my life

So was it me? Did our love have to die with a sharpened knife?

And so these brightly lit days are darkening down to a blood red hue

My heart says plenty, my words are few

You looked into my eyes in the apex of what would seem to be purgatory

And you told me you wished there was a way you didn't have to see me, for seeing me would be a reminder of the great disappointment

But your words meant little to me now

My thoughts of you have already burnt down to mere ashes on the ground

However,

since we're trapped together in what could easily be mistaken as a delusion

I might be willing to share a bit of my soul with you

if you're willing to patch up this hole in my heart, which might as well be an illusion

I don't know what I'm looking for anymore
But my heart bleeds right now, waiting alone in the gallows of my mind
I'm dangling by the broken seams of this voodoo doll i've become
How the strings tie themselves around my neck and strangle me
I do not know the outcome yet
I only sit and wait in the gallows of my mind

Broken inside, lost in this sick sense of pride
razorblade romance of my mind
painting radiant red in the skies
Blackened by the pain of green eyes
I don't know if I could stand another sunrise without you by my side

When it's dark out and all we see is despair,
I want you to know you're all that keeps me there
anticipating your love like an eager child
you are the one who lapses my fear
but are you always around to keep me here?
All I can do is wander alone in the gallows of my mind
afraid to tell you the truth of why I hide
afraid you'll find out who I am on the inside
and see every single tear I've cried
I won't forgive you if you see that side of me
I won't deal with the lie that I be
so don't save a breath if you can't take the heat
Because I just saved you a first class seat

I'm bleeding with raw emotion in the form of your sheets

how a passion so sour can leave me feeling so sweet

this could be the thing we're living dying for

crawling on the bathroom floor

she's crying and I've already slit my wrists twice

Her eyes on my scars, we're jupiter and mars

sucking cyanide-filled air

we're breathing lust in our despair

And for what? A cheap thrill making juice glass spills?

Take back your words and I'll take back my art

But I can't promise you we'll ever go back to the start

for I have no more heart

you tore it apart

I tried to stitch up the shards but you messed up my cards

I'll never be the same but neither will you

you are a heroine, my favorite brand of arsenic

tying me upside down, blood red cheeks and I still can't speak

you have control of me no matter how I try to break free

Loving you will be the death of me

Forever lost in misery

Trapped between this pen and paper or pair of medicinal scissors and gauze

A love this sick doesn't need a cause

Just an alibi, a reason to die

And because we're dwelling on a line so fine,

you will always be mine

Patrick Stump's dad replied to my myspace comment *smiles retardedly*

It made me smile. ^^

Seriously. It's starting to feel like everywhere I go, I'm stared at like I'm an epidemic. Is it because people see something they like, a person they want to be? Or am I really just seen as this weird girl with odd fashion sense and an overly narcissisic stare into the distance? That's how I feel like, at least.

I'm not necessarily narcissistic though...I just don't care about what people think of me. Honestly, half of the time i'm walking blankly down the hall, I really just want to get to my class and set my bags down before I go socialize. I don't think I ever noticed the crazy looks I get until just recently. Perhaps I'm a little curious to what some people think of me. I won't deny that. But I don't always go out of my way to be the nicest person, I'm just genuine in my connections with strangers. And to others, maybe I'm just an alien sent out to study the movement of human beings in their natural habitat.

I kind of wish I knew more about what people think of me. Not because of my own selfish insecurities, but really because I've never known the truth. People just never give me a straight up answer. But I promise I can handle the truth. I hate that people feel the need to hide it from me. I mean, the fact that they're hiding it all simply proves a stronger dislike than I'd thought.

Do people like who I am? Can I not better myself? It's all a lively topic but I guess I've never actually dug deep enough to care what anyone thinks of me.
As I'm writing this, I'm merely experimenting my options of life discussion in the form of words.

I think people's expectations for themselves is really important and it's not really set in stone from the beginning, so when the time comes where we are expected to know who we are and where we stand, we panic like it's the end of the world. That's why I vent so much of my feelings in these kinds of blogs. I feel like it creates the concrete image of who I am and where I'm going. And I want to go far.

But, I'm curious to know other's goals and expectations for themselves. If you're not sure, maybe you could just tell me about yourself and the things you like to spend your time doing and/or participating in. Those little things spin a web of life options for you and with the correct decision making, you could be whatever you want or think fits you.


P.S. I'm sure it seems really vain to post something like this and assume that whatever I say will change anything. I know that I could be far from right, but this is what I truly believe and these are the things that are making my future a reality so...I don't know. It's up to you.

I've got a little ray of sunshine
shining through the window of my life
Bringing me a shade of color opens up my eyes, I see the sky
I've been dreaming in black and white for so long
If heaven opened its gates right now, I still wouldn't see the light
Oh no...

Home alone again, I put your mixtape on
and I can hear the rain falling from your eyes
And I still don't know why you try
but you've got pride

Oh baby, you are something else
Something I can't put up on a shelf
And I still don't know why you try
but you've got pride
Inside!
Oh, you're falling into slow motion
I can't get over the commotion
I've already slipped down through the cracks, and there's no going back

I've got a little ray of sunshine...he's made it to my heart
Should have known that from the start
I could not fight the feeling of what was true
for I did not know what love felt like until the day I met you

And oh my good God, it was amazing. It's been such a long time since I've been to a good concert like the one last night. It was just brilliant. All the bands were awesome live, especially Papa Roach and A7X. I've got videos of both of them on youtube. 

 

So check out my youtube channel if you'd like to get an idea of my fantastic concert experience. Being short had it's advantage. I got to ride on people's shoulders! =D

 

http://www.youtube.com/ThisXSecretNinjaxX

There's just something in the air
that makes everyone want to stare
a puddle on the ground
a new wave sound
Like a tiny merry-go-round or a ride at the annual state fair
"Let's go home," you said to me with a smile in your voice
I recall your laughter, giddy with the sound of rejoice
And I told myself that I wanted to be someone like you
(And I hoped that maybe you felt it too)
But I wish I could bottle your brilliance
for it gave me this everlasting gobstopper of resilliance
You sizzle and shake like this freshly open can of pop
it's this delayed reentry into my life that makes me want to stop
but I can't fight this feeling welling up beneath the surface
The truth is that I don't want you to know my real purpose
I just want you to pretend that you remember me even if you don't, it's okay
You're just the reason that I live my life to the fullest each and every day
Tick tock.
My time is running short.
But did you ever think I'd be a last resort?
Not many make sense of me but at least you tried
It didn't take much, I didn't even have to lie
But I wanted you to be my friend forever
I should have known that my option was never
You were golden like the evening sky on the fourth of July
Glowing starlight across the sky
I never gave up on you even if you've let me go
Because it's a fact of truth; I'm living the dream you'll never know...

Do you know...
-you have my heart?
-you stole my love right from the start?
-that you've held my hand through all the tears?
-you drank in my soul and made me forget all the fears?

You make me laugh like I have a reason to live again
A reason to breathe and feel alright
and know there is no wrong when it's just you and me tonight

A new heart has formed where the old one died
A new place to call home deep inside
You make everything fall into place
Always there without a trace

And even when there's moments where all I can think about are the worries and the "how I miss you so"s
We'll always find ourselves back together as if nothing could ever separate us again
And I can't hide this feeling deep within
you're the dream I keep on dreamin'
Sleeping all night, you're keeping aways my demons

I don't wanna ever lose this feeling, no matter how far we go on this roller coaster of love
you're my oxygen, sent somewhere from above
Pages and pages of feelings so blind
You kind of crept up on me from behind
but I'm not scared of what's unknown
because you've changed everything I thought I would have known

♥

So maybe I'm overhyping the overhyped but...I feel it's necessary for me to test out my journalism skills by writing a long editorial about Barack Obama's Inaugaration Ceremony and how I spent such a rare moment in history. I'll try not to bore you to death but I have a lot of great feelings that need to be expressed.
To say the least, I'm so utterly thrilled with America at the moment that even the harsh words that come from the mouths of my peers couldn't bring me down the least today. Oh no, today was a huge moment, not just for the history of the United States but for my own beliefs as well. My heart has reached it's peak and my love has been declared.

I believe in Barack Obama.

I'm young so it's very easy to say that I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but that's something I'm hoping to change. Since day one of the political compaigns that arised sometime last year, I've found myself fascinated by the news breeding from my television set. For once, I had thought, I was old enough to be able to decide for myself what I believed was needed to make for a greater future for American families like my own. I wanted someone who didn't make his decisions based on petty things like religion or race. I wanted somebody who deeply believed that with enough will power to change, anything was possible. And that, consequently, turned out to be Barack Obama.

In his speeches, he has said the things that I've followed thoroughly my whole life. Although, I've tried hard to see through the cracks of our current government, that of which my family does support, I have failed to understand a lot of the financial insecurities that everyone has been forced to deal with now that its reign is ending. So, to make things a little less biased, I've brought it upon myself to stand up for the downfalls of our current establishment, kind of like a lawyer defending a guilty man. But today, I'm no longer guilty of all the arguments I've had with my family and friends about the subject of politics because today is the evidence I needed to supply my thunder.

My soul was liberated to see the face of the leader who will bring us out of this depressing economy with power and grace. He knows what's expected of him, and there'll be bad times when he won't be able to follow through with everything he promised, but that's what will make him such a great leader. He's stronger than the others because he's dealt face to face with discrimination above any level a man should ever be forced to endure. He will bring us out of this by making the average man work for a living while the upper class supports those in dire need of their tax money. Things will be better as long as we're willing to make change happen. It's not just Obama we have to depend on, it's also ourselves. So, what do you say? Are you ready for change?

Change is a pretty scary thought when you're living in an economy as distressed as ours is, but when you think about the opposing, what do we have to lose? Maybe Obama wasn't your favorite choice but now that it's been decided, are you going to sit down and pout? Or are you going to do the best you can and make peace with what's done? You have one choice and one voice so choose wisely. Think about it.

Let it roll off the tongue of reluctance
like crimson lips on polished skin
Dreamy eyes with butterflies
such a sickness in disguise
I once thought that I loved you but you proved me wrong this yesterday
And I had recalled we were once involved but you did it all and pushed me away
I cannot cry no normal tears for I have no rejoice for such shady fears
I can only love for whom i've prayed, and what a lovely creature God had made
It's scary to think we once had a say on what we cannot do, and what  we cannot change
So maybe this will be the day for all to love and all to hate
Saint Valentines is on his way
making skid marks with his sleigh
I used to think that life was but a daydream but nothing is ever as good as it may seem