Jessheartsfob's Journals

10/12/09

Every move I make, I fall further into the fire
There's nothing left to salvage except a new attitude
Today I found my cancer is terminal
and in a shocking outcome, my heart still beats
though the devil in my dreams forbids me to speak
I chose my destiny and it may be questionable
but my mind has been set
Do not fear the ashes but fear the ghost who will wake you from sleep
Cover your mouth and don't you dare scream
There is nothing that defines true fear than a broken past
I am the bringer of wrong and misery
cleverness was never an excuse
Those who sin must be punished
and so that of which I deserve is only natural
Devil, torch me in a masquerade
Let the demons steal my soul
It's time for the better side of me to let go

The Forgotten

I used to believe that I could be
something more than the eye could see
But I know deep in my soul
that this was something I had no control
In my heart, I prayed for God, and prayed for miracles, love, and a lightning rod
And throughout the experience, I knew all along
that love would fail me and I would be wrong
for what good can stay when it feels as though love moved away
I could not sleep for fear I'd wake
to the sounds of an earthquake
Hell would swallow me in the epitome
of a heartless fatal tragedy
I know that he would not remember me
endless memories of controversy
That day, I lost a war against myself
and threw all possibilty onto an invisible shelf
Nothing gold can stay in the neverending faith in yesterday
And it was that knowledge that led me astray
leaving me cold with nothing to say
Now I walk narrow streets in a field to nowhere
cheek to cheek with boughs of despair
I left behind the world I knew, before I was left alone in a world without you

Sakura Trees

I remember sakura trees
How we whispered softly against the night breeze
Love songs falling deep into the leaves
We sung our hopes into the trees

Walked throuhj Tokyo a thousand times or so
Nearly froze to death in the winter snow
your eye shone like sunrise in a cotton candy sky
and laughing at the thought of heaven, because on that day, heaven became a lie

I remember neon lights
flickering through the summer nights
Love songs filling the air with memories
still we sang our hopes into the sakura trees

Spring '09

The night has returned for my soul
She remembers the memories so vividly
though I can only recall the pain
She's singing my favorite song in my favorite key
A mark spreading it's destiny
Beauty crept so slowly on me
And I've grown partial to such apathy
You used to be my exit
falling short of my prophet
Now you're a last resort for head cases like me
For i've found something more satisfying
for my tastebuds
A thing I can't describe without dying inside
A love that's made my future seem bright
Someone who shares a love of the night
as I have for so long
I want to hold on to this...and never let go

To need one like they're the breath in your lungs, it could be a burden
It may be wrong, it may be unjust
but it is this I am certain
This is not the final curtain
simply a prelude to a great play
where I can live for every day
and know that all is not lost even when it feels like the end
Perhaps live a life where I don't have to pretend
Because faking happiness is like spitting in the rain
when the rain has only come to take away the pain
So to be more clear, love is what kept me here on Earth
and it'll be my only way out from here on...whenever things get rough
I'll have to know when enough is enough

The Sands of Time

I couldn't speak in the wake of a tragedy
for my heart was lost at sea
I had believed that you had saved me
but in time, I learned the truth

A speck in the sands of time, all that I was is now a speck in the sands of times
to think up lyrics trapped in rhyme
I was a speck in the sands of time

I woke up from the dream and realized nothing was as real as it seems
the world wasn't the diamond's pure gleam
and I watched it burn before my eyes

Lifeline

I'm not choking, it's just the cotton caught in my throat
you make the world seem overblown
prophesized into an epidemic syndrome
So won't you damn me to hell with your heartless lies and my automatic eyes?
There's room for two, I wish you could come
drain me of lonely nights staring at the phone
I'm a disaster and you're still the one i'm after
Bury me on the inside, don't pretend you still hate me
my thoughts don't make sense, you're full of ignorance
Quickly, rip out what's left of my heart so I don't drown when you're around
We're so miserably stunning, our egos might as well implode
She's heavy on the landscape, yet light as air in my mind
I'll keep you in a box inside my head so I never have to live without you.

I'm not one to forget such a place...

Hey everyone! It's been so long, I can't remember the last time I let myself write a lengthy blog entry. Truth be told, I don't know if I remember how to do so properly but I think this news is worth giving another try.

Firstly, I'd like to apologize to all my friends on here who actually took the time to out of their days to leave me comments that made me feel relevently important. I feel like this temporary hiatus i've been on has torn me away from the people who helped me out when I needed them. But do not fret, my friends, I do intend on making a comeback to the buzznet world very soon. In fact, I recently decided to create a new account made up of the photography i've taken over the past year and a half. There's so much here I haven't had time (what with school finals, work, and boyfriend time) to post, and I hate that things have gotten so far gone. I've appeared to be M.I.A for awhile and I really want you guys to see what i've been up to since my break from intense blogging. I promise you guys, this will be huge. I've written so much in the past few weeks, and although i've contradicted myself on whether to post them or not, I've finally made the decision to share my life with you all.

I haven't forgotten True F**king Love.
Don't lose faith in me. I love you all.

Like Heaven

Heaven's calling me and I'm looking for a return home
Said it's too far but I can't stay lost in Rome
I'm looking for an exit, a way to feel alive like I once did
You said such commitment should be a sin
We looked in each other's eyes like a homocide
payment for the love we hide
We breathed no regrets because regrets make bitter endings
only the cost a romance still pending
Oceans are nothing without their waves
so we can grow stronger, and we can be brave
I hate the way we move each day, like each day is a rain that will in time go away
I say, do not fear the lives we lead
I pray we can succeed
You are all that I'll ever need
in metric kilometers and lightning speed
Speak three words and I promise not to tell
If you are my Heaven, I'll spend an eternity in Hell

Night.

So yesterday, I just found out that I'm going to be included in the Fall Out Boy meet and greet, so really i've only got one day to post all the stuff I haven't already. So...huzzah! This is one of the first long bits included in the Patrick notebook.

Night.
My favorite time of "day".
By myself, allowed to roam through this empty house. Free to let my creative juices flow onto paper.
The truth is I love living, breathing, and exploring this world beneath the blanket of twilight.
Every night, I find that same rush of adrenaline and suddenly, I want to go.
It doesn't matter where.
I just want to be somewhere in the city.
Anywhere but home.
My body craves nicotine and soft lips to my skin. Both so far but the scent invigorates my senses.
I wanna be bad.
And for a brief moment, maybe feel alive. Alive.
A feeling I cannot describe
The motivation to get up and leave so close beneath my fingertips
So much power to change the flow of reality
get lost for a while
And by the time day rolls back around, the sensation goes away, I fall asleep and when I wake up, wait for the robotic form to take over.
I become a zombie, caught up in reality's grasp as I try to make it through another day. Anxious for another taste of escape.
Fingers gripping the pen, mind fuzzy with pure ambition. A strand of hope...that day there'll be someone who shares this love.
An addiction of dark bliss lit meakly by crumbling stars.
A passion made entirely by sin, the mask of indifference.
A story unfinished to this day as I grip this pen, still lying alone on my bed, writing novels in the comfort of my home...
in the heart of darkness.
3 AM - The worst time of crime. Alone.

Twilight's calling my name.
I've gotta go.
I'll be waiting for you @ Midnight

These Dying Days (A Collaboration)

This is a little collab that me and Shaquell managed to cook up after a long Sunday. Enjoy.

You are my oxygen, keeping me sustained

like a heart beating faster, shouting out your name

You're not a criminal but you just stole my breath away against the carbon copy contract

Witnesses say it was a heart attack

Despite the medication, my hands are still shaking

You've pushed me to the edge, I can't stop myself from breaking

You said I was the cyanide in the air, cutting at your insides and making you ill

And with no words left to say, I watched you pop another pill

For a moment, I wished there were words to say to stop your self-desecration

But there was no cure to the growing perspiration

Your heart was a flawed creature crying for help

but the damage was done

My heart is drowning in my tears

and it seems only these sweet candies calm my fears

Like sweet fire pumping through my veins, I was in for the ride of my life

So was it me? Did our love have to die with a sharpened knife?

And so these brightly lit days are darkening down to a blood red hue

My heart says plenty, my words are few

You looked into my eyes in the apex of what would seem to be purgatory

And you told me you wished there was a way you didn't have to see me, for seeing me would be a reminder of the great disappointment

But your words meant little to me now

My thoughts of you have already burnt down to mere ashes on the ground

However,

since we're trapped together in what could easily be mistaken as a delusion

I might be willing to share a bit of my soul with you

if you're willing to patch up this hole in my heart, which might as well be an illusion